An Anti-Assimilationist Valentine's Day

I know I don't have to tell you that February 14th is barreling towards us at superluminal velocity. You also may know that if you're not in a romantic relationship, you might as well crawl back into your lair and resume braiding your body hair or filing the fingernails on your dewclaws, or whatever it is that single people do, because how dare you attempt to join the ranks of those who will not be dying alone.

But if you do, however, happen to be in love, well I'm sure you know better than to erect anything less than the most stunning and enthusiastic tribute to your beloved, replete with chocolate, champagne, sex in more than one position, and possibly a proposal.

Am I right?

Unless of course, you're not in the business of celebrating corporate sponsored heteronormativity, underwritten by Hallmark, self-hatred and comfort pastries; or the holy day also known as Valentine's Day.

Valentine's Day -- destroyer of all things -- is a celebration of everything that's wrong with our rendition of modern love. There's nothing quite like this arbitrary event to magnify our expectations, diminish our relationships and test our self-esteem. Come February 1st, convenience store aisles, awash in the empty symbology of romance, close in on us with one message, and one message only:

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